Navigating graduate school is a rewarding but often challenging journey, filled with competing demands on your time, energy, and emotional wellness. In the episode “Finding Support and Setting Boundaries” from the Victors in Grad School podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis is joined by Reilly Chabie, a counselor and outreach coordinator with Counseling and Psychological Services at the University of Michigan Flint, to break down what it truly means to find balance and set effective boundaries as a grad student.
Reilly Chabie brings her expertise and a compassionate approach to guide listeners through understanding the unique pressures faced during graduate studies. She introduces the concept of the 8 dimensions of wellness – a holistic framework that includes emotional, physical, financial, environmental, spiritual, and other domains – and emphasizes how each area shifts in importance depending on one’s priorities. When one area falters, others can quickly follow, making self-awareness and attentiveness to balance absolutely vital.
A central theme in this episode is the reality of imbalance and burnout. Reilly Chabie normalizes these experiences, discussing how burnout can affect not only our physical health but also our mental clarity, motivation, and relationships. She reminds us that recognizing the signs of burnout early is crucial to resetting and rediscovering a sustainable equilibrium.
The heart of Reilly Chabie’s message is actionable: cultivate self-compassion and understand that balance is not a one-size-fits-all process. She encourages listeners to use self-checks to measure where their balance lies and adapt accordingly. Through tools like the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method and the practice of radical acceptance, students can regain presence and reduce overwhelm.
Setting boundaries, a pivotal skill discussed in detail, is positioned as an act of kindness both to oneself and to those around us. Reilly Chabie walks through practical steps: define your personal limits, communicate them clearly, and reinforce them consistently—whether with friends, professors, or even yourself. The message is empowering: it’s OK to say no, and even more, it’s necessary for long-term success and well-being.
If you’re embarking on or searching for ways to thrive in graduate school, this episode is packed with expert advice, relatable stories, and practical tools. Tune in to hear how Dr. Christopher Lewis and Reilly Chabie tackle common struggles and provide resources and reassurance to help you maintain your balance (and sanity!) throughout your academic journey.
Ready to reclaim your grad school experience? Listen now to “Finding Support and Setting Boundaries” on Victors in Grad School.
TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Victors in Grad School, where we have conversations with students, alumni, and experts about what it takes to find success in graduate school. Welcome everyone. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, Director of Graduate Programs here at the University of Michigan Flint. I am so excited to welcome you and to— I’m so excited for you to start your graduate school journey. Today we’ve got a really important topic, and I know I say that every time, but it is true. This is another really important topic. Today we have a new friend with us that is going to be talking about another important topic.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:37]:
Reilly Chaby is with us, and Reilly is talking about the importance of finding support and setting boundaries. Where is that limit for yourself and being able to set those limits for you and for other people that know you? Because it’s not just you. You have to be able to set the limits to be able to set those parameters for yourself to be able to be successful in graduate school. And Reilly’s going to be talking to you about that. So I’m really excited to have her here. I’m gonna turn it over to her. Reilly, thanks so much for being here.
Reilly Chabie [00:01:05]:
Welcome in. I am grateful to be here. Thank you for the introduction, Dr. Lewis. As he mentioned, my name is Reilly Chaby. I am one of the CAPS counselors and the outreach coordinator for Counseling and Psychological Services. And as mentioned, I’m here to talk to you today about really finding that balance as you are a grad student here at U of M Flint, because we have a lot going on in our personal lives, in our work lives, in our school lives. So we’re gonna talk a little bit about what to consider, how to notice when you feel out of balance in certain aspects, although I’m sure we already do to some respect.
Reilly Chabie [00:01:39]:
And I’m going to give you some tips and ideas on how you can kind of maintain that balance while you’re here pursuing your degree. What I’m going to be talking to you about applies to all of our experiences. And the unique part about this is that we’re going to talk about that individual experience, right? So I appreciate you interacting and kind of telling me a little bit about where you’re at. And I’m hoping that Any part of this conversation today will be applicable to your experience. So quickly, I’m just going to kind of go over some of the things that we’re going to talk about. So first and foremost, I’m going to do a little bit of an introduction on the 8 dimensions of wellness. This is a huge factor in U of M Flint’s focus on health and utilize the 8 dimensions of wellness to really create and supplement the outreach events that we have and the things that are there for your use as you are part of this process. So I’m going to talk a little bit about that and how that applies to balance.
Reilly Chabie [00:02:34]:
We’re going to talk about balance itself. What does that mean? What does it feel like to be unbalanced? Those types of things. And then we’re going to talk a little bit about those tips and tricks as well. We’re also going to shift into a particular type of approach that can really help in maintaining balance, and that’s going to focus on boundaries. So what are boundaries, examples of boundaries, and tips on how we want to engage with those. And then in summary, we’ll talk about just some general last thoughts, some resources on campus, and a couple of things that CAPS has going on that you might want to partake in as you start your journey here at U of M Flint. So getting started on the 8 dimensions of wellness, as you can see here, this is a very excellent depiction of the different areas that we can kind of break our wellness down into, right? So we have our emotional wellness, physical wellness, financial wellness. We’re even considering environmental wellness, right? Spiritual wellness.
Reilly Chabie [00:03:33]:
And all of these different parts of the puzzle or slices of the pie, if you will, impact us differently depending on what area we feel like we want to move toward, or I guess better be better acquainted with, right? So for example, I might focus heavily on my emotional wellness, right? And that kind of makes sense as a clinician, I might be focused pretty heavily on that. But for some of you folks that are focused on starting your program you might focus on maybe your intellectual wellness, right? Maybe it’s your financial wellness. We all kind of prioritize these different pieces in different ways. But what’s really core to the 8 dimensions of wellness is that all of these parts serve the whole person. And what we tend to notice is that when one area of the dimensions of wellness is faltering or we’re struggling to kind of maintain some consistency with it, we notice that other areas start to kind of stress and ultimately suffer as we try to navigate some of the other areas. Now, it’s gonna be normal for our approach to focus in one area over the other, prioritize one area over the other, just depending on the situations that we have in life. But what’s really kind of critical is we wanna be mindful of when we’re giving too much attention in one place and how that ultimately is affecting the other areas of our wellness. Ultimately, as we kind of look through the rest of our conversation, you might, in the back of your head, start to think about, oh, as I’m, let’s say, in October of my program, I’m realizing that my physical health and my wellness there is not doing it.
Reilly Chabie [00:05:23]:
I’m really struggling with this and I have had a hard time taking care of that, which ultimately might lead to challenges in, let’s say, your intellectual or environmental health, depending on what we prioritize and what we need to focus on. So keep that in mind and kind of think about this wheel a little bit as we go through the rest of our, our conversation, simply because we want to make sure that you know what areas you want to focus on, and that will likely help you consider what resources on campus you’ll likely want access to, or at least keep in mind as you keep moving forward. So Let’s consider balance. As I mentioned, we talked a little bit about how those 8 dimensions of wellness, if we’re paying attention to them and kind of engaging in them and moving toward them in some way, we’re typically creating some sort of balance in the process. However, balance shifts. It can kind of go up and down. It just depends on what the situation is. But I want to take a second and I want you to think about The types of responsibilities and roles that you have in your life.
Reilly Chabie [00:06:33]:
Now, I’ll point out a couple of basic ones. You’re going to be a student. You’re likely a friend. Maybe you’re a significant other. Maybe you’re an employee. There’s lots of different roles that we take on. I don’t know if other people have thoughts on their roles. I always like to mention that I’m a dog parent or I’m a cat parent.
Reilly Chabie [00:06:52]:
I can insert other various roles that are unique to my experience that I am regularly engaging in. That I regularly pay attention to and I try to prioritize. But if we take that into this context, all of those different roles require a certain amount of energy and focus and dedication, all of the responsibilities that fall underneath that. So as a dog parent, I’m likely, I gotta remember to buy food, I gotta feed him, I gotta walk him, I gotta do all of those things. So the role itself is just an umbrella concept, and then we have to lay out all of those different types of responsibilities. You might be thinking then, okay, so if I have all of those things that I am responsible for, I’m likely going to start to feel out of balance if I feel like certain responsibilities are kind of taking control over other responsibilities. So because we have all of these different roles going on, we might experience that imbalance. I am curious, and feel free to answer in the chat, but why do we think personally it’s hard to manage and balance all of these different roles and responsibilities, even if we’ve been doing it for a really long time? What types of things might impact that? The responsibilities never stop, so we never feel like we’re getting a break.
Reilly Chabie [00:08:17]:
We’re feeling like there are certain things outside of our control that we can’t really control, right? So that can ultimately impact that time. Absolutely. As a grad student myself, I remember I almost had zero time to do anything other than school half the time. Energy levels, absolutely. All of those things are going to be fluctuating as we take on these different responsibilities and as we try to adjust to this new role in our program. Some other things we might notice in terms of what we are struggling with in terms of balance is perhaps, but some of the things that we might experience might be that one of those roles or responsibilities are expecting too much, right? There is too much of a demand. There is too much of that that I need to take care of. Another thing we might notice, which definitely aligns with the imposter syndrome experience, is we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves in trying to balance these things or trying to take on these additional roles.
Reilly Chabie [00:09:16]:
That could come from a variety of different ways, but as grad students, you might have this expectation that You are being held to this higher standard. There is more to be expected of you. And while to some degree academically that might be true in the sense that your program is specialized or is going to focus more in depth than maybe some of your undergraduate experience, we too ultimately set too high of an expectation that we are going to meet all of our demands all of the time, 100% of the time. But unfortunately, what that leads to is we are thinking that we are striving for perfection here. And there’s that age-old saying, nothing can really ever reach a perfect space, right? Nothing is perfect. But we can think about what perfect actually means to us and how that relates back to our balance. So take in mind some of these things about balance because it’ll be helpful in trying to maybe gauge how we want to approach rebalancing our life and making sure that we’re able to meet the demands of what we’re experiencing, but also knowing when it’s too much, right? Or also knowing when we have to manage our expectations to be able to fit in what is most important to us. So now that we’ve considered some of the potential ways in which our balance can be impacted, or the specific aspects in which we’re trying to look at when we think of balance, I think it’s also helpful to kind of discuss what specifically we’re experiencing or feeling as imbalance occurs.
Reilly Chabie [00:11:01]:
And I’m sure many of you have heard the word before, but burnout tends to be our biggest worry when we think about imbalance, right? That if we are really engaging in one area, we might feel burnt out to the point where we can’t engage in other areas. Some of you mentioned energy, right? Burnout does impact our energy levels. It impacts so many different aspects. And I think it’s helpful to, while this slide doesn’t really give you an exhaustive list, it’s helpful to kind of look at some of the ways in which burnout shows up for you. So for example, physically, burnout might show up as high blood pressure. We might get recurring headaches. We might struggle to fall asleep, stay asleep, or even get up sometimes. Stomachaches are very common.
Reilly Chabie [00:11:52]:
They say that There’s an emotional center in our stomachs, which is why a lot of people tend to have GI issues when they’re anxious or worried or concerned about things. You might also recognize that with increased stress comes a decrease in immune function, so we might actually be getting sick more frequently. And I’m not necessarily talking about if you have a chronic condition, but if you’re generally otherwise pretty healthy, you might experience more colds or be susceptible to other types of illnesses. So it can definitely impact our physical process here. It also is going to impact our mental and emotional experiences. Once again, not an exhaustive list, but if we are experiencing burnout, we are likely going to experience some concentration difficulties. So that might be on your homework, that might be on certain work aspects if you are working during the same time as your degree, could be in various other roles. We might forget things more regularly.
Reilly Chabie [00:12:53]:
We’re going to notice maybe low mood where we’re just generally feeling down, generally just kind of feeling disconnected. We might notice a loss of interest in some of your favorite things or things that typically have brought you joy. We might feel like we’re falling behind, even if we’re technically right on par. Sometimes we just have that feeling that we should catch up or should be doing more. And a lot of the time when we’re experiencing burnout, all of these symptoms and concerns lead to this sense of feeling stuck. I personally, when I’m experiencing burnout, I tend to feel like very run down. I get headaches pretty regularly. I’m very tired.
Reilly Chabie [00:13:32]:
A lot of those things start to come up. And I also tend to isolate from people, right? I don’t feel like I have that energy to engage or the energy to show up in ways that are meaningful to me or to those around me. And that likely is due to that burnout and that feeling of overwhelm that I have too much going on at any given point. So once again, these signs are helpful to consider because one, you may have already experienced them, which is a good indication that we’ve experienced burnout. But when you start to notice these pop up either more intensely, more frequently, maybe out of characteristically, where like maybe every once in a while you get a headache, but like all of a sudden you’re getting them so often that you’re very confused because you’re drinking water, eating well, doing all of those regular things. When those things start to happen, that’s a good indicator to us that we’ve maybe lost balance in some way, and we can start working on some of these tips to kind of regain that balance in an aspect that feels tangible and approachable in the moment. All right. So now that we kind of have a better understanding of what balance is, you know, what might be contributing to our imbalance, and just kind of some ideas as to how we consider this balance in our own context, I do want to talk a little bit about What are some of those tips and tricks on getting toward balance? And some kind of basic things to be mindful of in this process is that achieving balance is a, is a very kind of like incremental step process.
Reilly Chabie [00:15:09]:
It’s never going to be linear in the, in the way we feel that if we do step 1, it leads to step 2, but rather if we take one step in one direction, that means we’re closer to taking another step at some point. Mm-hmm. And I think phrasing it in this way suggests that sometimes balance— we can stay consistent for long enough before we, let’s say for example, improve upon an area of wellness. And that consistency helps us feel stable, supported, and gives that kind of foundational core to our experience, something that we can always rely on. And every once in a while, we take those bigger steps to more solidify our connection to our wellness and to the things that we care about. Care about in the moment. In that same mindset, balance can often be viewed as a continuum that we’re kind of ebbing and flowing through that balance space. Sometimes I like to think of the balance continuum as 1 being like, I’m a complete disaster, I have no idea what’s going on, to 10 being, for lack of a better term, perfectly balanced.
Reilly Chabie [00:16:18]:
And perfectly balanced is just whatever I deem to be balanced in that moment. Am I not feeling those signs of burnout? Do I feel like I’m able to keep my energy up? Am I able to feel connected to the people that I’m with? The things that I value in that process. So every once in a while, it might be helpful to kind of check your balance continuum, kind of see where you lie in that 1 to 10 scale, if that’s helpful. But even more so, when we think about the continuum, balance is going to look different for everybody. Therefore, your approach is going to be different. That one thing isn’t necessarily going to work for me as it does for you, and that’s okay. Ultimately, we’re just kind of trying to find that concoction that leads us to the appropriate level of balance that we need. So ultimately, why is balance even realistically important? Well, first of all, it’s going to improve our mood.
Reilly Chabie [00:17:16]:
So if we feel like all of our kind of dimensions of wellness are taken care of and we feel relatively balanced, then we We’re going to notice the pleasure in things. We’re going to feel focused. We’re going to feel like we’re achieving what we want to achieve. We’re also going to notice a higher and better quality in our relationships. So going back to that part about our roles that we hold, we might feel better about our role as a student. We might feel better satisfaction from our relationships with our significant other, our friends, our coworkers, wherever it might be at, because we’re able to focus on that dimension of our wellness. And I think that’s a really important point. We’re also likely to just have a better enjoyment of life itself.
Reilly Chabie [00:18:00]:
I can’t tell you how many times that during grad school it was pretty complicated to feel like everything was enjoyable around me. Like, I won’t lie, we have those emotions all the time, right, where things are stressful, things are kind of getting to us. But the more we actively keep in check our balance to the best of our ability, the more likely it is that we’re going to experience that enjoyment for longer periods of time, even outside of the times when we know we just cannot in the moment. That is okay. But this is why balance is key in our process as a grad student, because we respect and understand the difficulties that might come around, but we are not stuck in that difficulty if and when we do not want to be. We can access those resources and engage in ways to help us get to that balance. As we shift into kind of the tips for balance, right? Once again, I talked a little bit about the uniqueness of balance, right? That we’re looking at different ways across the board that might work for you but won’t work for another person in today’s conversation. And ultimately, it’s okay to test out as many of these as you would like, consider as many of them as you would like, and notice what works in times of high stress or what works when you’re just kind of hanging out but you’re noticing some of that imbalance.
Reilly Chabie [00:19:20]:
So feel free to kind of consider some of these things, but add what feels appropriate to you. So first and foremost, as we talk about tips for balance, I want to address a concept called self-compassion. And self-compassion is a term coined by Kristin Neff. And she defines self-compassion as the practice of being kind and understanding towards oneself when experiencing failure, inadequacy, or suffering. And I think this really sums up some of the feelings that we might have in the grad school experience. When we think about imposter syndrome, we often feel like we are inadequate in what we are trying to learn. And as a student, that can be really alarming. We can be like, well, you know, I did all of this work, I did all of the things that I felt like I was supposed to do, and I am still feeling this way.
Reilly Chabie [00:20:13]:
So something that we want to be mindful of is that our, our ability to say, hey, what you are doing is really hard, and it is okay to have these thoughts, these feelings, these experiences, we tend to reduce that kind of like idea that we’re not allowed to feel a certain way or that we’re not allowed to have uncomfortable or difficulty emotions in the process. And what we also learn is that we’re able to accept that these challenges are in front of us, that we’re doing the best that we can. We’re trying to balance what’s in front of us. And in that process, we’re accepting the fact that whatever I’m trying to do now will inevitably help in some way. What we don’t want is to beat ourselves up over our process. We don’t want to say that we’re incapable of addressing these things. It’s ultimately just going to be about saying, I accept that I’m feeling this, and I’m being kind to myself in the process as I figure out how I want to take it. In line with that, we’re giving ourselves the permission to kind of feel some of these negative and uncomfortable feelings.
Reilly Chabie [00:21:24]:
Part of self-compassion is being able to say, wow, I have a lot of emotions in this moment, and I don’t really know what to do with them, and they’re kind of freaking me out. But emotions are there for a reason. They remind us when things are important. They tell us that we, that we want something out of an experience, or they tell us how to survive, right? Or how to get out of of an experience. And what we, what we don’t want is to shame ourselves into thinking that negative feelings automatically mean failure or bad or whatever it is, but rather, okay, I don’t love that I’m feeling this negative feeling, or I’m uncomfortable by this. What does it mean for me? How do I look at this from that lens of balance? And why might I be feeling uncomfortable? Right? So we can practice that skill. I did see a question about the slide deck. You will likely receive this.
Reilly Chabie [00:22:16]:
I typically send it out afterwards. words to Dr. Lewis, but I appreciate that question regardless. So once we’ve kind of gotten into that spot of like feeling our feelings and offering that self-compassion, there are some interesting skills that we can utilize, especially when it relates to those overwhelming emotions that I always like to let people know about. So specifically, I like to talk about these skills that are considered distress tolerance skills. Distress tolerance essentially is this idea that we’re working towards tolerating tolerating the fact that we will likely come into contact with distress. Things in life are stressful, therefore we’re learning how to tolerate that. And this is more so to kind of give us that space to feel what we need to feel rather than saying that all of the things we experience have to be felt a certain way.
Reilly Chabie [00:23:09]:
So when we’re thinking about distress tolerance, there’s a couple of things that I suggest that individuals do. So first and foremost, when we’re in heightened levels of stress, such as like when we’re experiencing burnout, something that can be really helpful is building up a sense of grounding or reality. So when we’re feeling stressed, we tend to kind of feel outside of our body a little bit, we tend to struggle on our focusing, we kind of feel disconnected. So in an effort to ground or kind of bring us back to that sense of reality in that present moment, I suggest utilizing the 5-4-3-2-1 method. I know that’s kind of a mouthful, but all that essentially is asking you to do is you’re going to utilize your 5 senses in order to reacclimate to your present moment. So for example, I might do this practice by asking myself to think of It’s not thinking, but around me in the present moment, I’m going to identify 5 things that I see. I’m going to then go down to 4 things that I can touch, 3 things that I can smell, 2 things I can hear, and 1 thing that I can taste. And although some people will suggest that doing the senses that are kind of the easiest, so maybe like sight and hearing or the touch, to be in those like 5-4-3 areas.
Reilly Chabie [00:24:44]:
You can kind of mix and match that however you feel is appropriate for you. Whatever senses you feel like are most applicable, you can still utilize this even if you’re not using all 5, or if you want to reorganize that system to be most approachable to you. All that’s doing is it’s bringing you back into the present moment, which allows you to reconnect to any sort of thing that you’re trying to navigate in that moment. I also suggest the concept radical acceptance, which is a more like key distress tolerance And radical acceptance involves fully acknowledging and embracing your present moment, including all of the difficulties and the discomforts that you’re feeling, without trying to change or control it. And I know that seems kind of counterproductive to the idea of balance, but if you think about yourself, for example, on a boat, let’s say it’s like a small, like one-person boat.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:39]:
Mm-hmm.
Reilly Chabie [00:25:39]:
And you notice that the waves are kind of rocking you back and forth a little bit, and you’re trying not to tip over on the boat. You might, unfortunately, in order to try and control that situation, you might overcorrect as the waves tilt you in one direction, and that might make the boat tip over. So what we don’t necessarily always want to do is focus on how we control a particular emotion or discomfort. Sometimes it pays off to simply acknowledge its presence and be like, wow, Wow, this doesn’t feel great, and not put that expectation on ourselves to fix it or change it or figure it out. And what you might tend to notice, as per somebody mentioned earlier in the chat, is that that thing that’s making you feel uncomfortable or distressed might be outside of your control, which tells you that it doesn’t fit into your key balancing act, right? If something’s outside of your control, all you can focus on is what you can do in that moment. And using radical acceptance and kind of acknowledging that discomfort can kind of lead to that realization, helping us through that process. So those kind of original tips focused a lot on some of those emotional aspects and kind of being kind to ourselves and really focusing on, on that cognitive piece. I also feel like it’s helpful to kind of provide some practical balancing tips, especially as we relate it back to the academic side of our experience.
Reilly Chabie [00:27:09]:
So think about like our organizational tools, our time management tools, things like that. So first and foremost, for balancing, we can think about creating a schedule that includes self-care, specific breaks, or other relaxation techniques, right? We’re trying to kind of organize and balance things out a little bit. We might block out time in that schedule for things that we value.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:34]:
Right.
Reilly Chabie [00:27:34]:
So for example, if we really value our social connection, we’re gonna wanna schedule time to make sure that we are connecting with those we care about, family, friends, so on and so forth. If we are really into a particular hobby, being able to make sure we create space for that in whatever capacity we can helps to create balance when things are stressful. It can also be time between classes, activities, work-related events, things like that, to kind of give yourself a chance to reset or emotionally and mentally recollect. I remember during my grad school days, I would focus on like my commute as a great way to just kind of disconnect from what I had just been experiencing before I enter into my next role or, you know, my specific thing as soon as I got home or went to work or whatever it was. So maybe I use that as a time to listen to music or listen to an audiobook or just allow myself to listen to the car sounds as I was driving on 75 wherever I was going. So think about some of those ways in which you can organize your time to kind of create that balance. We can also consider shifting and shuffling priorities when needed, right? So maybe it’s okay for me to shift my work schedule around to make room for this time I need to study before my exam, or maybe I can shuffle around this thing that I had scheduled or this preemptive study time to focus on being present with my family for a little bit, whatever it might be. It’s also really crucial that you work together with your loved ones, your peers in your classes, or colleagues to kind of create a sense of support and accountability.
Reilly Chabie [00:29:18]:
Doing this all by yourself can be really hard, and I think a big part of why these webinars are offered is to showcase that there are resources and spaces on campus that can help you feel like you can maintain this, this kind of project for yourself and engage in the things that you want to engage in. So be mindful of what’s around you, who you’re connecting with, and utilize them in that way. And then once again, some of these basic time management skills— so planners, calendars, using task lists, whatever feels like it’s going to be most applicable to you and your experience. And this could also be a great time to try something new if you’ve never tried it before. This is a good time to explore some of those areas before we start the semester so that you can kind of consider how that would fit into your daily experience. I think it’s helpful too just to remind yourself that priorities change, and as we try to work towards balance, we might notice that something calls our attention over the thing we were originally trying to balance out. And it’s okay to focus on other areas of your wellness as you try to tackle one that’s been particularly difficult. Because if our wellness areas make up a whole person, sometimes we got to, you know, figure out how to deal with this part of our emotional wellness before we figure out how to take care of our spiritual wellness.
Reilly Chabie [00:30:41]:
And we don’t know that until we start exploring some of these different areas. So once again, that’s where that kind of self-compassion and kindness can come into play. As I mentioned, when we were kind of going over our overview for our conversation today, I wanted to specifically take some time out to talk about boundaries, which is an aspect of this balancing act that we’re talking about here. Boundaries in particular, I think to some degree have been a bit of a buzzword over the years, but they’re really crucial in helping you build your own confidence and kind of maintaining your own sense of identity as you work your way through the U of M Flint community. And I think it’s helpful to consider that there are several different types of boundaries that you might engage in. Some might be more applicable in one area of your life over another, but I put this helpful kind of graphic up here to kind of give you some insight into what these boundaries might look like. So we have boundaries like our mental boundaries, emotional boundaries, internal boundaries that help us kind of self-regulate as a As opposed to boundaries that we set with other people. We of course have our physical boundaries, time boundaries, and even the way in which we converse with one another.
Reilly Chabie [00:32:03]:
So not an exhaustive list, but once again, a helpful kind of diagram to give us an idea as to what types of boundaries we may or may not need to set in our time at U of M Flint. So let’s think about what the process actually is in setting boundaries. So setting boundaries is really focused on building a sense of understanding your limits. So you know you best. You’re likely to kind of be able to do these self-check-ins to be like, wow, you know, I’m doing this thing and I’ve realized that I’ve hit this threshold, right? I am above this threshold in whatever I’m feeling. I know that sometimes I feel like that in group work where I’m trying to communicate with somebody and I’m having some challenges. I know where my limit is. So I try to set some boundaries in order for me to not get frustrated or feel resentful or challenge other people in my group.
Reilly Chabie [00:33:00]:
So ultimately, you might ask yourself through self-check-ins, am I getting enough rest? That might help you give an idea as to where your limits are in terms of how much sleep you’re getting. You might ask yourself, am I doing too much? Or is this particular situation nourishing me in the way that I need it to? So those self-check-ins can kind of help you define those limits. It’s important that when setting boundaries, you’re considering when you need to say no. I think that’s pretty typical in that boundary space. Once you’ve known a limit, you might say no to something in particular to kind of help address that issue. But it is also important to know when to say yes. So yes to something can help build our confidence, can help challenge us in different ways to help balance out some of those core wellness dimensions. We also want to be able to kind of determine what our priorities are.
Reilly Chabie [00:33:54]:
So what exactly are the priorities in that particular situation? And are these boundaries that I need going to align with those priorities? Or even asking yourself, is this situation aligning with my priorities? So once we’ve kind of established some of those things, although it’s not necessarily as clear-cut in the real world, I like to break it down into these 3 steps in terms of how you’re going to set your boundary. So first, you’re going to define the boundary. What does it look like? What specific thing are you trying to create a boundary? So going back to the previous slide, we might look at, okay, I’m going to set an emotional boundary, or I’m going to set a time-based boundary because I know that I need to leave in the next half hour if I’m going to make it to work on time. So you’re gonna define that boundary. Next step, you’re gonna communicate that. You’re gonna showcase to yourself, how do I communicate? How do I say this in an appropriate way? How do I say this in a way that is effective and clear? And consider who your audience is. You might set a boundary differently with a professor as you do with a best friend. It just depends.
Reilly Chabie [00:35:07]:
And then the last step is set your consequence. So we’re not necessarily talking about ultimatums when we think about setting consequences, but rather what’s going to happen if a boundary is not respected. So if I set a boundary and somebody doesn’t respect that, is the consequence that I’m going to reiterate that boundary and then say, look, I, I can’t engage in it this time, I’m gonna have to leave right now, I can’t stay for that extra 30 minutes that I had before, right? So what does that consequence look like? And even more so, when you set that consequence, that’s you essentially setting yourself up to be held accountable internally on reinforcing and engaging in those boundaries. It’s one thing to set a boundary. It’s a whole other thing to reinforce them and kind of enforce them in a way that kind of keeps us accountable. So let’s go over a quick example slide of what some of these boundaries might might look like. So for example, I might word a boundary such as, I’m going to be honest and vulnerable with myself. That might be an internal type of boundary that I hold myself accountable to.
Reilly Chabie [00:36:15]:
Or I might say, I’m going to keep a gratitude journal. That’s kind of like a material, perhaps, boundary that like, I want to engage in this thing. I’m saying yes to this thing, and I’m going to hold myself accountable to that. I might also say, as a friend, you shouldn’t be gossiping about me. That’s another type of kind of social boundary that we can set, right? We’re very clearly communicating like, hey, you’re gossiping about me and that’s not okay as a friend. You might also say, I’m uncomfortable in this situation, so I’m going to leave, right? So that’s a clear boundary, a clear expectation stating without too much detail what you’re experiencing. This is my wording. This does not necessarily reflect what you yourself will feel or what you yourself are going to experience.
Reilly Chabie [00:37:02]:
So keep that in mind that although these are some examples, they may not perfectly line up with your experience and you might word them differently. But each of these kind of give a clear depiction as to what a boundary could be, and you can set time limits to them. You can add them in particular situations. It just depends on where you need to set that boundary. So as we look at wrapping up here, I have a few more slides to just kind of talk about last thoughts and then some resources. I think it’s so crucial to consider that as you’re practicing balance and boundaries, it will not happen overnight, you feeling balanced. You might feel closer and closer that you’re getting to that point, but it takes a lot of practice to engage in this work, and it requires a sense of understanding that you’re likely to make mistakes and that it’s gonna be kind of challenging, that if we don’t feel it overnight and we choose to stop, we’re not gonna achieve that balance in the way that we want to. So be kind to yourself in that process.
Reilly Chabie [00:38:05]:
And the more you practice, the more likely it’s going to be second nature and more of a habit for you, the same way we build habits in other ways. And ultimately, when in doubt, if you’re not sure if you should set a boundary, if you’re not sure you should do a coping skill, if you’re not sure what you should be doing, you can always ask for help in whatever context that you’re in. Maybe you need to ask for help by extending an assignment, sending an email to your professor. Maybe you just need to yap about it with your friends for a little bit and really process through that information before you determine what you need to do. Ultimately, Ultimately, you have people on campus, you have people in your life who are great soundboards in trying to navigate and work through these stressors as you start your grad degree. And it is perfectly acceptable to ask questions and really get to know what other people are doing too, so that you have something to go off of.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:08]:
Reilly, great job. Thank you so much for all of this. You did a great job as always. So thank you very much, Reilly, for being here tonight and for sharing all of this amazing information, and wish you the best as you start the new term. The University of Michigan Flint has a full array of master’s and doctorate programs if you are interested in continuing your education. Whether you’re looking for in-person or online learning options, the University of Michigan Flint has programs that will meet your needs. For more information on any of our graduate programs, visit umflint.edu/graduateprograms to find out more. Thanks again for spending time with me as you prepare to be a Victor in grad school.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:52]:
I look forward to speaking with you again soon as we embark together on your graduate school journey. If you have any questions or want to reach out, email me at flintgradoffice@umflint.edu.
