As I sit here marveling at my latest compositional masterpiece, I find myself filled with self-doubt. Does the essay fulfill the requirements of the task assigned to me? If it does not, I humbly apologize.
Speaking of apologies, this apology reminds me of several other actions in my life for which I probably should apologize.
Once, at the age of four I ripped the ‘Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law’ label from my grandmother’s pillow while I was supposed to be taking a nap. When I realized what I had done I quietly crawled out the open window and secretly disposed of the pillow in the Great North Woods. For that, I humbly apologize.
My brother and two younger cousins once placed a penny on the railroad tracks that run parallel to M-28 in the U.P. to see what it would look like after the train ran over the coin. They stared at the flattened penny in wide-eyed amazement until I (and my ego) did the same thing with a nickel, thus one-upping (or four-upping if you have an accountant’s mind) them and stealing a part of their childhood innocence. For that, I humbly apologize.
At the age of nine, while trying to mow the lawn, I found the lawnmower wouldn’t start. I convinced my little brother to hold onto the spark plug wire while I pulled on the starter rope so we could see if electricity was reaching the spark plug. Apparently the mower was out of gas. For that, I humbly apologize.
When I was twelve my 16 year-old cousin had a job and used to buy ice cream that he kept buried in the snow where his younger siblings could not find and eat it. I dug it up one day even though I didn’t eat ice cream. I did, however, enjoy feeding it to the neighborhood dogs. For that, I humbly apologize.
In high school I once went on a date with fashionista. I wore white pants in January. For that, I humbly apologize.
I once won a radio call-in contest even though my uncle was an employee of the station. For that, I humbly apologize.
When I was 19 and playing on a travelling hockey team, during a meal at a tournament in St. Louis I convinced one teammate that lamb fries were French fries cooked in lamb fat. He ‘enjoyed’ 12 of them. For that, I humbly apologize.
At the age of 25 I once took a ‘green’ crew chief on a vertical ascent at 80% throttle and then, at an altitude of 8,000 feet cut all power to the main rotor for a 10 second freefall so he could ‘experience weightlessness’. For that, I humbly apologize to the maintenance man that had to hose out the bird.
At 30 I went to dinner with a ‘lady friend’ in Pensacola, Florida. She convinced me to eat clams (which I’d never had before). I would now like humbly apologize for saying they tasted like “ a gonad dipped in motor oil”.
Skip to the present. A dear friend asked me to write something funny. If I didn’t, I humbly apologize.